Don't believe the furrowed brows on Major League Baseball owners. In truth, these guys breathe a huge sigh of relief every time a major superstar is linked to steroids. Why not? For once, the focus on their troubled sport is on something they can't be held responsible for. Unfortunately, the fans aren't fooled and they understand what the real problems are in baseball.
The Worst Things about the Ballpark
Teams that believe building a new stadium excuses them from the responsibility of fielding a competitive team or even hiring gameday staff with even an iota of customer service instincts. Yeah, Pirates, that means you! Given your performance on the field and off, here's a great idea for your 2009 team slogan: "Pirates baseball: We Dare you to Come!"
Stadium security crews that spend so much time examining every backpack for plastic bottles (which are not illegal) that they never seem to notice the hundreds of degenerates scalping tickets right outside the ballpark (which is most definitely illegal). Simple solution: any time a cop sees some rag-head yelling "Who need two?," hold him or her in downtown lockup until the fifth inning. Then let them sell all the tickets they want.
The plague of alternate uniforms and hats. Home and road uniforms were fine, but now it's just ridiculous. Spring training hats, Sunday hats, Sunday batting practice hats, Sunday jerseys, spring training batting practice jerseys...Twiggy didn't wear as many outfits as the average major leaguer.
Stadium vendors that think the fans paid to hear them try to be entertainers. You want applause, vest boy? Stop making stupid chants and try to give us our beer without spilling half of it or skimming our change! That would rank right up there with Hammerin' Hank's 715th in baseball's amazing moments.
The Worst Things Inside the Ballpark
Major League Baseball's sudden reluctance to add footnotes to home run records accomplished during the "steroid era." Excuse me? Back in 1961, baseball couldn't even wait until Roger Maris hit his 61st home run to try to slap an asterisk on it (not bothered in the least by the fact that since Maris didn't hit his first home run until the 11th game that season, he actually hit those 61 in less time than Babe Ruth did.).
Red Sox fans pounding their chests like winning two World Series after a 90-year drought makes them a dynasty. It's reminds one of that one loser kid in junior high who briefly groped a girl after the dance and now thinks he's Hugh Hefner.
The Braves ever calling themselves "America's Team." Someone in Turner's offices needs to explain why the name fits when in the past 20 years, the Marlins and the Blue Jays each won twice as many World Series than the Braves.
Cub fans constantly looking for excuses why their team can't win. Accept it, Cub fans: your team has just been unable to hold any kind of lead when it counted for the past 100 years. Blaming this drought on Bartman, black cats, and billy goats is like blaming the Johnstown Flood on a leaking toilet in Altoona.
Joe Torre. It hurts to see someone once a symbol of decency and integrity reduced to a hypocrite shilling another book. Joe, why wasn't New York such a bad place to manage when George Steinbrenner was buying you any player you wanted and letting you off the hook when those players kept bombing in the post-season?
The whole "Spider-Man" bases thing. Yep, we're still mad.
